Heart of a Punk Soul of a Rasta

The Kitchen Garden Cafe
I can't remember them all now, but if I just start perhaps they'll come
and I'll remember all the venues I've been to in Brum.
If I remember the bands first, then just maybe I'll recall
The who and the when, at which and what hall.

Magazine at Digbeth, Sham at the Top Rank,
The Stranglers at the Odeon, Barbarellas The Clash,
Saw James at the Hummingbird, lasted two tracks and no more
Went to sleep watching Sylvian at the Alex, shit me what a bore

I went out to Bingley Hall once to see the last of The Jam
Manics at the Nia, Steel Pulse at the Drum,
Moz at the Symphony Hall, The Pogues at the Powerhouse,
Devoto at the Tin Can Club, Biafra at the Glee

The Slits at the Rainbow, Coxon at Millenium point
New Order out at the Tower Ballroom with The Happy Mondays tow
Killing Joke at Burberries, Neville Staple at the Fly,
The Sugarcubes at the venerable Irish Club,
Mighty Diamonds at the Hare & Hounds pub.

Madness at the NEC
A multitude at Academy 1, 2 & 3
All these bleedin venues and still life's a mystery
cos where oh where is the KITCHEN GARDEN CAFEEE!

[Why didn't they just say they're over the road from the Hare & Hounds and then I wouldn't have needed the Babylon Compass - that's the SATNAV to you.]

Wreckless Eric & Amy Rigby
@ The Kitchen Garden Café
Kings Heath Birmingham 19th March 2010

Yes it's a Garden Centre!
Yes it's in Kings Heath!
No I Haven't got any photos!
Yes you'll have to take my word for it cos it actually happened.

Through a tunnel festooned with fairy lights, past bags of fertiliser, baby bio, slug repellent, lawn feed; across a small courtyard of planters, water features, cast iron thingy's and sculpted doo das and finally into a conservatory. Yes a conservatory! My worst nightmare was about to be made manifest, I entered a room decked out with pictures of spades, forks, harrows, seed drills, a room full of bald and recumbent middle classed, middle browed, middle aged, wine sipping TP's (that's toss pots in case you didn't know). God damn you Mojo Magazine with your 4 star reviews of Eric & Amy's debut LP, look what you've done, I hope you're happy now!

Not to worry though, I can do middle aged, middle brow, middle class at a push; I quickly ordered an elderflower presse, "Of course with f**ckin ice darling!" Shit this middle class thing is harder than yer think. I found a seat and feigned interest in the literature left upon it. I nodded thoughtfully, I stroked the bristles on the tip of my chin, I stared out into space at nothing in particular, I sipped my presse with the tip of my little finger touching the eye brow and I looked cautiously around me - yeah I'd got them fooled.

Then they arrived. Amy leading the way; Eric behind looking dishevelled and slightly lost like a taciturn old geezer who's just locked himself out of his house. Amy beckoned him to come hither like a slightly concerned neighbour who's "happy to help" and "doesn't mind him having a nap in her front room while he waits for the locksmith", but inwardly would like him to hurry up and go, cos it's Thursday and the Metre Man comes on a Thursday.

Stuff was quickly plugged in, switched on, tuned up, turned up and then with the first beat of "You Can't Be A Man (Without A Beer In Your Hand)" from "The Hitsville House Band" LP Eric "the dishevelled" and Amy "the girl next door" were transformed into rock n roll gypsies on a mission from God (well sort of), and, it was only 8.30pm.

A & E had a lot to impart in the next three hours, yes three hours, three whole hours for £12.00, three hours including remission - I mean intermission, have I mentioned they played for three hours? Well they did. There was plenty of stuff from their latest CD, stuff like "Here Comes my Ship", "Another Drive in Saturday", "Taste of the Keys" and "Please be Nice to Her" as well as both sides of the latest 45 "Bobblehead Doll" & "Teflon Wok" (click here).

During the recess Eric and Amy returned to their 39 foot Itasca Meridian Winnebago which was parked up on Kings Heath High Street. Eric read the March issue of Tit-Bits whilst being given an Indian head massage from "Max" his Nepalese p.a. of almost thirty years standing. Amy knocked up a Sichuan style Tofu and Aubergine stir fry and quickly fed it to their pet Marmot "Costello", fully satiated they returned to the venue.

During the dead time I rested my head against one of the night black conservatory window panes and counted the raindrops as they travelled south. I cautiously sipped at a Lemon Grass infused mineral water and mused on the eternal questions: when exactly should you plant your seed potatoes, is Wreckless Eric really Clever Trevor and does it really take much longer to get up north, the slow way?

No time for answers though, they were back with loads more stuff, like: "Joe Meek" from "The Donovan of Trash" LP circa early nineties; "Reconnez Cherie" and Whole Wide World" from circa a long time ago and "Ten Guitars" which can be found on the B side of Englehump Pumperdick's "Release Me" single from nineteen hundred and sixty seven. There was some interesting yap too, Eric told us what he thought of the 2009 Telstar film (about the 60's record producer Joe Meek) and some stuff about Ian Dury. Eric is the only person to my knowledge who has never said anything bad about Ian, and also the only person in the western world able to pronounce his surname correctly, both truly remarkable feats.

What did it for me on the night though, above everything else was "Kilburn Lane" - the unstoppable middle crescendo, Eric grinding a plectrum up the neck of the guitar and singing "smash up the cat with a baseball bat, everybody winds up dead". That line always brings a smile to my face, I don't know why, I love cats!

Yes A & E had a lot to impart (some of which I can't even recall hearing myself) but after three hours of stuff and when the clapping had subsided, some boozed up old Brummie at the bar started shouting for "Semaphore Signals". Eh, surely you've heard that live by now? Apparently not. Three hours of blood, sweat and tears of pain weren't enough for one poor Rsoul - there's always one it seems and he was all three of them. Anyway the Garden Centre is now officially the new Jazz Club, so forget Ronnie Scott's, see you all next week round Percy Thrower's gaff.

Oh yeah, young whipper snappers, think that the 60's in general and the "Telstar" film in particular is not for you? Think again. Carl Barat of The Libertines/Dirty Pretty Things plays sweet Gene Vincent in the movie and Telstar is the title of "The Tornados" US and UK no.1. The Tornado's were a band in the 60's (am I dumbing down too much here) and the rhythm guitarist was George Bellamy, who is the father of Mathew Bellamy from the mighty MUSE. Interested now? You should be.