Heart of a Punk Soul of a Rasta

The Slow & Certain Death of the NME (Part 2)

Now where were we? Oh yes, I was talking about the end of the NME and the death of the last real music weekly; which I predict will most definitely happen during 2011. But if I'm wrong (I usually is, are, 'am) if the NME does struggle on into 2012, I'll do better than apologise; I'll simply alter the dates and run the story again next year.

In part one of the "The Slow & Certain Death of the NME" I attempted to suggest what if anything the NME could do to turn around their dwindling sales figures. I compared the NME with the high flying "FLY MAGAZINE", the paper based "Stool Pigeon" and with weekly papers of times past. I concluded that (content aside) the NME desperately needed an emergency injection of confidence, vision and style - especially when things aren't all that vibrant in the music scene. Also I said if the NME wishes to continue its pursuit the Holy Grail, of one day becoming MOJO magazine, it desperately needs some authoritative and credible writers - by this I mean people who know something, rather than people who are pretty looking, turn up on time and can ask the obvious questions. Also, also, I said that the NME desperately needs to reduce its price (somehow) and get itself out of the newsagent and into the venue (in fact giving it away free on the NME Tour seems a must do) And also, also, also (and finally) the NME needs to get itself a sense of humour; coz currently its completely and utterly humourless.

OK so this is all pretty bleedin' obvious stuff, and it does beg the question; does IPC Media want the NME to continue as a weekly? I think not. Announcement: "Coming soon to a WH Smith near you: NME Monthly incorporating UNCUT Magazine!" I think that seems the most likely turn of events, keep the brand name and survive for a bit longer. But for me that would be amazing shit. Just the thought of the UK being bereft of a credible weekly music paper is unthinkable. Isn't it?

So where has it all go wrong for the NME? I mean all the other weeklies Melody Maker, Sounds, Smash Hits, Record Mirror have all been 6ft under for many a long year. The NME has had no real weekly competition for eons, so why have they been unable to fight off the old headed monthlies? Well in my humble opinion it's all down to dumb CONTENT, dumbed down CONTENT. Yes NME has to be musically all embracing, but also has to be careful how it goes about being all embracing - careful how it curates the NME Tour and careful how it spurges its pages with a multitude of disparate and unconnected bands. Mindless mixing - blurring the demarcation lines of musical genres, is something that has been insidiously increasing in the NME in recent times. This kind of mix-up doesn't breed a happy and loyal consumer; genre melding is a destructive force! Whether it's in the NME or the music biz in general the mashing up the genres rock, dance, indie, folk, pop pap or whatever into one big homogenous bag, alienates and seriously pisses off the discerning music punter. But this is not the worst of it, genre melding has created a monster; an unthinking malleable minded monster that has been force fed a multifarious diet of any old shit, and has come to believe that this is somehow natural. These monsters have Robyn and The Editors; The Libertines and La Roux on their ipods. You'll find them at the back of venues taking pictures of themselves. They've been inseminated by the NME and others, with an insane eclectic taste that has no cognitive credibility. But these transitory unthinking dispassionate consumers, who believe that all music is good music because someone told them so, are not the sort of folk who'll buy the NME week in week out. NME needs to become a mainstream CULT, like it once was.

Genre merging is one reason why genre specific mags like Kerrang! have continued to thrive. A discerning punter who knows his or hers own taste, wants to go to a place where they can read about what they want to read about! Simple isn't it. Well not really. There must be a space for a wholistic and diverse weekly in the UK, but not in the mish mash format that NME have been using for too long, its time for NME to turn the clock back and get the magazine ordered into sections like they did a long long time ago. You see if I'm in WH Smith and I pick up the NME with "Arcade Fire" are on the front cover, flip through the mag and see an interview with Tinie Tempah (who?) and a review of "The Big Pink" live (oh dear) I'm going believe there is nothing in this issue for me and put that baby back on the news stand and go elsewhere. But if the NME had genre specific sections in the MAG Indie/Dance/Retro/Rock/Folk or whatever, vicarious punters would know there was always going to be at least something in the MAG for THEM.

Also irrespective of genre the NME must start to emphasise the essential bands that require emphasising whilst keeping the plethora of nondescripts (those they've been trying to £log for far too long - ie The Cribs!) in the shade. Balance and emphasis; but most importantly DIRECTION is what is needed. And if there isn't a current WAVE - then bloody find one! And NME needs to engage not ignore the youth that can be found at the gigs of Stranglers/Damned/Madness/Fall/Gang of Four etc - there are a lot of them there! And if these old bugger bands have got something new to flog, or something decent to say the NME need to get them in (it will help with the MOJO brief) and it may sell some copy too.

Final rant then - GOOD IDEAS - DAFT EXECUTION - NME recently started a section entitled "THIS WEEK IN" featuring snippets from old issues - sounded like a wonderful idea to an old f***er like me, how mind bendingly boring though! The 1986 version of THIS WEEK IN featured the Blondie/Warhol cover from the 11th of January 1986. It had no present day tie up, no historical context either political, musical or otherwise - YAWN. Could the NME have a cover today featuring ICON & ARTIST that would produce sales? Yes it could, but it needs the vision to do it. THINK MAINSTREAM CULT NME! The 1986 version of THIS WEEK IN was bad, but the one from the irrelevant year of 1956, whose bloody idea was that! - CATATONIC.

Well I could bore on and on and on about the slow & certain death of the NME, and still end up nowhere. Some day soon, and for the first time in my 47 year existence I will wake up to find there is no weekly music paper waiting for me at WH Smith. Not a happy prospect - but let's not be down hearted, instead let's leave off with something the NME (in its death throws) is sorely lacking - F U N. From the Xmas NME of 1991 Bez & Blur; and the Xmas issue of 1977 I bring you what its all about SEX, DRUGS and ROCK n' ROLL on a weekly basis.

Todays NME to become "A MAINSTREAM CULT" ?
Nah it'll never happen so perhaps its time for something new.

STOP PRESS.....the BET365 current odds on K Murison being music correspondent for THE LADY magazine by the end of 2011 are..........................2/1 on.